Dear Family and Friends,

Were you ever betrayed by a friend?

I suspect we all have. I was betrayed by a whole lot of people soon after I retired from my business life – – several who I thought were friends stopped returning calls and emails.

Sure, it was hurtful – – traumatic. It took years to process.

But this episode also changed my life in a good way.

In many ways, the book of Proverbs says fools perish for lack of friends, or shall I say poorly chosen persons who purport to be friends.

For example, “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”  Proverbs 12:26 NIV

We like to think we become who we choose to be.

But in the early stages of life, we are who our family make us to be. And then for the rest of our lives, it’s our friends and those surrounding us who mold and shape us.

So, how do we avoid poorly chosen friends?

A true friendship takes more than just choosing each other. It’s more than just saying – hey, let’s be friends.

Friendships need a foundation. One that is not built on what you can do for me or what I can do for you.

As I learned, that’s a business transaction that will end once the relationship is no longer profitable.

So, what should we look for in a friend? What’s the foundation of friendships?

In his book, The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis described how one discovers a friend.

He starts by contrasting companionship with friendship.

Companionship being, “between people who were doing something together hunting, studying, painting…”

Meanwhile, “Friends will still be doing something together, but something more inward, less widely shared and less easily defined.”

Friends are, “still hunters, but of some immaterial quarry; still collaborating, but in some work the world does not, or not yet, take account of; still traveling companions, but on a different kind of journey.”

Lewis then reveals the foundation of friendship.

“Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure or burden.”

Lewis suggests, “The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’”

We tend to think that we make friends. Or that friendships are grown.

We do not ‘make’ friends. Nor do we ‘grow’ to become friends. We discover true friends.

Friendships require that both parties share something in common, like an affinity, a love, or a vision.

And when we discover that a common interest resides inside both of us, a friendship is born.

Let me say this again using an example:

When two people come together and discover that they both passionately love Jesus; care deeply about the same wrongs or the lost in society; and share a common vision of how the Lord and others can best be served…

When they discover this about the other, this is the opening of friendship.

But wait, there is a step that precedes discovery.

Before we can express the phrase – “What? You too?” – to another person; before we can call a companion a friend, both parties must first be open and willing to share their inner most thoughts.

Revealing personal thoughts to someone we just met or to those we merely share greetings can be quite challenging.

So, how do we overcome our natural hesitancies?

We tend to think we have chosen our friends. Or that it’s by chance or accident that we discover commonalities.

To that, C.S. Lewis says on the contrary…

“… for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work.

Christ, who said to the disciples ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you’ [John 15:15 KJV], can truly say to every group of Christian friends ‘You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’”

Lewis goes on to say that friendship is the instrument by which God reveals the beauties of others.

That our beauty and those of our friends are increased through friendship itself. That friendship is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing.

We each have a friend waiting to be discovered. Let’s step out in boldness to discover that friend God has chosen for us. 

In love always,