Dear Family and Friends,

We just returned from a wonderful week with our grandkids. We love them so much it hurts to return home.

We love them in the times they are playful and cuddly. And we love them in the times that call for a little discipline. Times like when our grandson doesn’t want to do his homework. Or when our 16-month old granddaughter goes around hitting others with a toy, or tries to dive head first over the back of the sofa.

That second love is called tough love, a phrase we’re all familiar with. Merriam-Webster defines it as love or concern expressed in a stern (as through discipline) manner to promote responsible behavior.

Have you ever stopped to wonder if tough love is biblical?

The answer is no. And yes.

No. It is believed the phrase ‘tough love’ was coined by community activist Bill Milliken, author of a book published in 1968 by the same name. His work was keeping at-risk youth in school using no-nonsense behavior modification tactics.

And yes, the concept of tough love is very much biblical. But rather than calling it tough love, the Bible calls it goodness.

The Greek word for goodness, agathosune, means doing intrinsically good actions, or zealous activities for another person’s benefit. What’s interesting is that the word appears only in the Bible; it hasn’t been found in secular Greek writing.

That said, goodness is primarily defined by the character of God and the actions He’s taken, many of which are benevolent and for the good of a person.

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”  Psalm‬ ‭23:6‬ ESV

But goodness can also be found when God corrects or chastises someone, sometimes severely, again out of love for a person’s good. Goodness is discipline for the purpose of making someone better. And sometimes, His goodness is directed towards us!

“God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”  Hebrews 12:10-11 NIV

Goodness is what changes and transforms us into the image of Jesus. And as we become more like Jesus, and the fruit of the Spirit called goodness (Galatians 5:22-23) matures in us, we are called to do good towards others.

“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Galatians 6:10 NIV

As we watched our grandkids this past week, I was reminded of my own lessons learned over the years. Lessons like the consequences of not doing homework. I don’t quite remember learning a lesson from going head first over the back of a sofa but I imagine stopping one’s fall with one’s face is never good.

With this in mind, before we all go around extending goodness of the butt-kicking kind, allow me to share a few things to keep in mind.

1. We were created to do good works and to tough love.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Ephesians 2:10 NIV

2. But giving tough love requires we be prepared.

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  2 Peter 1:5-8 NIV

3. And when we give tough love, it should be done in a God-like manner.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Ephesians 4:29 NIV

Now I recognize that situations requiring tough love may not occur daily. (If they do, you may want to reconsider the company you keep.)

However, preparing for those tough love situations should occur daily. Why?

Because sharing God’s wisdom on a moments notice requires His word be in us. And that we have sufficient understanding of God’s word to clearly explain and relate it to the situation at hand. Why?

To be credible. To be seen as knowledgeable in God’s wisdom and have goodness of heart.

Although it takes a little convincing, our grandkids always listen to their parents. Experience has told them that listening to mom and dad are for their own good. 

To the person receiving tough love, the credibility of the source matters. Would we not listen more intently to someone who’s credible? 

With that, let’s remember that tough love entails more than just fixing someone.

Tough love requires we tough love ourselves too. Daily.

In tough love always,